Tuesday, September 14, 2010

My Juno

So since the last blog so much has happened. The baby I wrote about in the last blog - well that baby may be our baby in a few months!!! I have contacted the birth mother, her mother, and we will meet with them both and her grandmother in October. They want to meet the three of us and discuss everything. I'm so extremely excited! I wish Kit was here to share in this with me - but only a couple of weeks left.

Well I don't know the sex of the baby - and I don't care. I don't know the father or the mother - and that doesn't bother me - I just want to hold that baby in my arms and know that he or she is all mine - for life! To snuggle and love and care for. I have already started looking at baby stuff - I know it's a little early to look - but I can't help myself. I know a million things can go wrong - but I'm being positive and optimistic about all of this.

Only about a month before I meet the mother - and I can't wait. I've seen pictures of her and her son, who will be 1 this month.

I only hope she fully understands how extremely grateful I am for her sacrifice and that I will love her baby like he or she is my very own. I will raise that baby to be good and loving and kind.

I've already had dreams of holding the baby - smelling the sweet baby smells - holding his or her little hands - tickling his or her little toes. I'm so in love with this baby already!

This is something I've wanted for years and years. To be this close to it - is amazing!!!

I only hope the birth mother knows what a fantastic gift she is giving my family and me. I hope she likes us as much as we will love her baby. I can't wait to find out if it will be a son or a daughter. No matter which, I will love them the same. Going through all the baby things again will be Amazing!

Wish us luck!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

A Baby

On November 13, 1997 I found out that I was expecting my beautiful baby - Kaitlin. I was ecstatic. I always wanted to be a mom and knowing that I was going to be a mom was amazing. I know I was young - I had just turned 20. I had only been married for 11 months - but I knew that my husband and I were going to be together forever, and I didn't care - I wanted that baby terribly!

On November 10, 2003 I went into the Operating Room to have my uterus removed. It was like a part of me died that day. I had known since 1999/2000 that I would not be able to give birth to another baby - but having the surgery, to remove that part of me, made me feel defective. I was 26 years old - just turned 26 - and I was no longer a woman (in my eyes). I stared at my baby girl, then 5 years old (not so much a baby) and cried and cried. I knew that I would never be able to give her a baby brother or baby sister to enjoy her childhood with. My husband told me that he didn't care that I could no longer have children. He told me that he loved me, which was all that was important. But I wondered if he would leave me, he was only 27, and he wasn't going to be a father again, not with me. In my mind I told myself that he could be a father again, if he left me. But he has stuck by me, loved me, and has been content with just having our daughter.

Now it's 2010 - and my best friend (the same person who introduced me to my husband) called me to tell me that she knew a young lady that was pregnant. This young woman already has a child and now is pregnant with a child that she is considering giving up for adoption. My best friend, my sister in many ways, told this young woman all about my family, and how we would love to raise another baby together, that we would love the baby and be good parents to the baby. First thing my best friend said - "Don't get your hopes up!" Too LATE!

Whether this young woman feels it in her heart to give me her precious baby, or not, I will still want a baby. I crave a baby, that's the only word that I can use to describe the feeling I have, a craving. I see my neighbors and their newborn babies, and toddlers, and I yearn for that feeling of being needed again. I was in Wal-Mart tonight and I walked through the baby section. I couldn't help myself; the baby aisle was calling my name! I would love to be a mommy again - as much as my now 12 year old baby wants to be my baby forever, she's not a baby. She's learning how to cook, turning into a woman, and growing up faster than I can keep up.

I wonder why adoptions are so difficult. Why can't babies that are unwanted be given to good families, without a lot of hassle? I agree with the background check, the home visits, the need to make sure the parents will be good and safe for the baby. But after that, why should it still be so difficult? I would give anything to have a baby in my arms, one I didn't have to give back at the end of the day.

I know what some people are thinking; some have even said it loudly to me. You're almost done; Kaitlin will graduate from high school in 5 years! Which made me think, if I am lucky enough to adopt a baby, that baby will be starting Kindergarten the same year Kaitlin heads off to college! Craziness - right?? But I would not say no if a mom wanted me to love and take care of her baby, and raise that baby like he or she was my own flesh and blood.

Maybe I will get lucky, my hopes are already up, but even if it doesn't happen, this time....at least I have friends and family, who understand my need and yearning, for another child, enough to offer me as a mother to a young woman who is considering giving her baby up. That means the world to me. All the same - I'll keep my fingers crossed!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Politics As Usual?

Today I learned that charges against ABD AL-RAHIM AL-NASHIRI have stalled in the military and federal court systems. Abd Al-Rahim Al-Nashiri is the "alleged" master-mind behind the suicide bombing of the USS COLE in Yemen on October 12, 2000. That's right - October 12, 2000 - almost 10 years ago! This was not the first attack on America - but it is now considered a warning shot for the actions taken on September 11, 2001 (not one full year later, in New York, NY; Washington, D.C.; and a field in PA).

Al-Nashiri hasn't even been CHARGED with anything - even though they have fingerprints and receipts that prove his involvement in the bombing!!

This is the 3rd President since the bombing occurred. This attack occurred under President Bill Clinton. It has been stated that he didn't want to act harshly against the attack because it was an Election Year and he wanted his Vice President Al Gore to have a shot at the White House! Al Gore LOST! So George W. Bush became the President - and I will give him the benefit of the doubt when it comes to this case. He was sworn into office in January 2001, and the entire world changed on September 11, 2001 - we entered a war in Afghanistan within months of the attack on 9/11 - and entered a war in Iraq in March 2003. So he had his hands full. Then the election of 2008 came around and a democrat was elected to fill the office of the President - President Barrack Obama - his Attorney General, Eric Holder, has basically stalled all military tribunals against the "alleged" master-minds of not only the USS Cole but also of the 9/11 attacks!

Is this just politics as usual? What is going on? Why is it that President Obama finds it necessary to go to foreign countries and apologize for "America's Behavior". This is an awesome country! This is a country founded on freedoms that most countries could never imagine! We allow people from all races and countries to come to America and continue to practice their religions and ways of life. Many other countries will NEVER allow that to happen in their lands. In many Middle Eastern countries I wouldn't be allowed to write this blog, go shopping by myself, or show my face in public! This is CRAZY (totally my opinion)!

I am not a person who believes that all Muslims want to kill all Americans. Or that Muslims want to take over America and bring forth Sharia Law (scary stuff). However, I do think that too many changes are being made in our country to cow down to the Muslim people. I shouldn't have my rights, as an American, infringed upon for a Muslim! This is not a Muslim country - this is AMERICA! We should have already filed charges against every person, we have in custody, associated with the attacks on the USS Cole and 9/11. But that hasn't happened. I'm disappointed in our country - in our judicial system - in the American's who are not as upset about this as I am. This Administration has bowed to a King, proclaimed Christianity to be dead in America, and has asked for forgiveness for the behavior of America. I do not think we should be looking at the politics behind what it means to charge these individuals - but at what it states against us if we do not! We need to not just press charges against these people, but we need to put them on Military Tribunal - these people were not found in America - they were found by Military missions - a Military Tribunal is the only way to go. To say otherwise is stating that the military is not smart enough to carry out a fair trial! I hope this is not what our President thinks about our men and women in uniform!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

It's been awhile

Hi there~

It's been awhile since I last "blogged" on here. I suppose I just got busy - life gets that way sometimes. Let's see how was the summer?

June - nothing memorable to report about this month - except the fact that my wonderful husband turned 34 years old on the 30th (he's getting old!!) :) Kaitlin finished up school the first couple of weeks of June and we've sat around the house and she has visited her grandparents in Daytona Beach. So nothing too great.

July - We spent July 3- July 10 on the Carnival Dream!! It was amazing! We stopped in Nassau, Bahamas; St. Thomas, USVI; and St. Maarten, visiting both the Dutch and French sides of this island (I prefer the beauty and politeness of the Dutch side). Kaitlin actually celebrated her 12th birthday while out to sea! She thought it as amazing. We spent the week with my mom - which at times was difficult to do. But overall the cruise was amazing and we saw things that we may never have seen in our lives, otherwise - and the food was AMAZING!! The rest of July was spent doing yard work, cleaning the house, watching movies, reading books - nothing as great as the cruise! At this point my husband as been gone since the first week of April and missing him hasn't gotten easier!

August - which brings us to the month that we're in (which is actually ending in a few days). August brought another month of my husband's deployment; a meltdown with the neighbors (a select few)which I could care less about (act your age people); and Kaitlin starting 7th grade!

Now that August is almost over and the count-up (142 days since he left) has turned into the countdown (can't post that on the internet) - I am happy to say that I have survived another 6 month deployment - stronger and more independent than ever before! Of course - let's see if I still feel that way next month when I'm still counting down the days and time has slowed to a standstill!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Being Sick

Okay so being sick is no fun. Being sick and being a "single" mom sucks! I know I'm not a typical "single" mom. Single moms get to date, get to go out and have fun, while this "single" mom still has a ring on her finger - that means she's completely attached to a man FOREVER! But the point to this post is that I'm sick and still a mom and I'm all alone!

I woke up on Mother's Day really sick. My throat hurt so bad I could not swallow or talk! Luckily my daughter is 11 and she can do a lot of things on her own. She was very sweet - she fixed me chocolate chip waffles (Leggo my Eggo!), and scrambled eggs, with Parmesan cheese in them. She also placed a yellow rose on the tray that carried my breakfast to me in bed. Then she sat there while I forced the food down my swollen, sore, raw throat. That's what mom's do, right? We suffer through things so our children will be happy. We ended up watching a movie and taking a nap.

Monday was about the same, couldn't swallow, couldn't talk. As the day progressed it became a little better, although the pressure building in my head became unbearable and so did the stabbing pains in my ears (the right ear was definitely worse). My daughter wanted to play a board game, I wanted to sleep.

Tuesday was a little better, as far as swallowing and talking - but the pressure and pain in the ears was worse. So I called and set up an appointment to go to the doctor, on Wednesday.

Wednesday started off a little better - however, the dizziness, pressure, and pain in the ears was scary painful. Driving to the doctors office I noticed how dizzy I really was and how it was affecting my eyesight as well. I was at the doctor's office for 2 hours. After which I was told that I have a double ear infection and a sinus infection. I'm also missing sinus cavities in my forehead, which may be causing more pain. So on the way home from the doctor's I had to stop by the drug store (30 minute wait) - then the grocery store (we were completely out of milk) - then finally I got to go home and relax....

Okay back to why it sucks being a "single" mom and sick. My daughter is the type that she wants to make you "feel better"! I'm the type of sick person that just wants to be left alone. That causes problems, tension, and hurt feelings. Luckily she is still in school and that allows me to have the day to myself - sleep, rest, relax, and not worry about being happy mom! But then school is over and she depends on me to give her the attention she needs. She also wants to be Miss. Helpful, which can be a bit too much when you're feeling so sick. The pressure built up in my head - as if my head was going to pop! My ears were ringing! The only thing I can think is I really wish my husband was home - he could keep her company and let me rest! She really wants to be helpful, and she would leave me alone if I demanded it, but that is just so wrong! Telling her to stay away from me is heartbreaking, but being super mom while being super sick is difficult.

I suppose the only thing I can do is let her cuddle next to me and watch a movie....isn't that what mom's are supposed to do? Let's just hope these antibiotics kick in quickly and the road to recovery is speedy!

Here's to getting back to normal and feeling better!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

"Grandpa Tell me 'Bout the Good Ole Days"

Today I am reminded of this Judd's tune - "Grandpa (Tell me 'Bout the Good Ole Days)":

Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good ole days.
Sometimes it feels like
This world's gone crazy.
Grandpa, take me back to yesterday,
Where the line between right and wrong
Didn't seem so hazy.

Did lovers really fall in love to stay?
Stand beside each other come what may?
Was a promise really something people kept,
Not just something they would say?
Did families really bow their heads to pray?
Did daddies really never go away?
Whoa oh Grandpa,
Tell me 'bout the good ole days.

musical interlude

Grandpa, everything is changing fast.
We call it progress,
But I just don't know.
And Grandpa, let's wonder back into the past,
And paint me a picture of long ago.

Did lovers really fall in love to stay?
Stand beside each other come what may?
Was a promise really something people kept,
Not just something they would say and then forget?
Did families really bow their heads to pray?
Did daddies really never go away?
Whoa oh Grandpa,
Tell me 'bout the good ole days.

Whoa oh Grandpa,
Tell me 'bout the good ole days.

I love this song - makes me miss my Pawpaw Bud so much - but he was my favorite person!!

Day 37 almost over....

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Paranoid Navy Wife

So first let me explain my title. I am a PROUD Navy wife. My husband has been active duty in the United States Navy for 14 years! I have been his wife for 13 of those years and we've been together for over 14 years. I have seen him sworn into the Navy three times now, first time before he left for boot camp and he has re-enlisted two times since that day. I have said goodbye to him three times, before he left on long deployments, and countless times for different short deployments, schools, and other orders he had to follow.

Paranoid - my whole life, I have had someone, who burst my happiness bubble. Some have been blood related to me, some have been related by marriage, and most have just been total strangers really.

The only thing I'm not paranoid about is my marriage. I have a good marriage, an honest husband, and a loving daughter.

Big things I'm paranoid about. Dying in a car crash. I was in a really bad car accident when I was 19, and newly married. I could have died, and so now I am paranoid that it will happen. Dying in a plane crash - since 9/11 that scares me even more. I'm paranoid of snakes jumping out and getting me! I know crazy - right? I'm paranoid that people are always judging me, whether or not I am fat, ugly, what my clothes look like, how my hair looks, whether or not my tattoos are okay - paranoid of being judged about any and everything.

So I am starting this blog as way to post my feelings, frustrations, and paranoid obsessions. Maybe someone out there can help me overcome some of my paranoia - or they can just get a laugh out of my over-reactions! Either way, I'll get to get my feelings out and you'll get to read about it.

I am on day 36 of a long deployment - my husband will return in a few months. Since I waved goodbye to him and his ship, I have become even more paranoid. So look forward to the paranoid rantings of a depressed and deprived Navy wife!

Have a good Monday~