A Baby

On November 13, 1997 I found out that I was expecting my beautiful baby - Kaitlin. I was ecstatic. I always wanted to be a mom and knowing that I was going to be a mom was amazing. I know I was young - I had just turned 20. I had only been married for 11 months - but I knew that my husband and I were going to be together forever, and I didn't care - I wanted that baby terribly!

On November 10, 2003 I went into the Operating Room to have my uterus removed. It was like a part of me died that day. I had known since 1999/2000 that I would not be able to give birth to another baby - but having the surgery, to remove that part of me, made me feel defective. I was 26 years old - just turned 26 - and I was no longer a woman (in my eyes). I stared at my baby girl, then 5 years old (not so much a baby) and cried and cried. I knew that I would never be able to give her a baby brother or baby sister to enjoy her childhood with. My husband told me that he didn't care that I could no longer have children. He told me that he loved me, which was all that was important. But I wondered if he would leave me, he was only 27, and he wasn't going to be a father again, not with me. In my mind I told myself that he could be a father again, if he left me. But he has stuck by me, loved me, and has been content with just having our daughter.

Now it's 2010 - and my best friend (the same person who introduced me to my husband) called me to tell me that she knew a young lady that was pregnant. This young woman already has a child and now is pregnant with a child that she is considering giving up for adoption. My best friend, my sister in many ways, told this young woman all about my family, and how we would love to raise another baby together, that we would love the baby and be good parents to the baby. First thing my best friend said - "Don't get your hopes up!" Too LATE!

Whether this young woman feels it in her heart to give me her precious baby, or not, I will still want a baby. I crave a baby, that's the only word that I can use to describe the feeling I have, a craving. I see my neighbors and their newborn babies, and toddlers, and I yearn for that feeling of being needed again. I was in Wal-Mart tonight and I walked through the baby section. I couldn't help myself; the baby aisle was calling my name! I would love to be a mommy again - as much as my now 12 year old baby wants to be my baby forever, she's not a baby. She's learning how to cook, turning into a woman, and growing up faster than I can keep up.

I wonder why adoptions are so difficult. Why can't babies that are unwanted be given to good families, without a lot of hassle? I agree with the background check, the home visits, the need to make sure the parents will be good and safe for the baby. But after that, why should it still be so difficult? I would give anything to have a baby in my arms, one I didn't have to give back at the end of the day.

I know what some people are thinking; some have even said it loudly to me. You're almost done; Kaitlin will graduate from high school in 5 years! Which made me think, if I am lucky enough to adopt a baby, that baby will be starting Kindergarten the same year Kaitlin heads off to college! Craziness - right?? But I would not say no if a mom wanted me to love and take care of her baby, and raise that baby like he or she was my own flesh and blood.

Maybe I will get lucky, my hopes are already up, but even if it doesn't happen, this time....at least I have friends and family, who understand my need and yearning, for another child, enough to offer me as a mother to a young woman who is considering giving her baby up. That means the world to me. All the same - I'll keep my fingers crossed!